My name is Riley and I'm an overachiever. Hi Riley.
Being an overachiever means not only always going above and beyond the call of duty, but also feeling a constant need to earn every inch. To me, being an overachiever means not accepting anything for free. This is usually a good thing. When it comes to school, I always read the assignment before class and I always volunteered in class discussions, with very few exceptions. It was exhausting but I couldn't not do it. At work, I get there early or stay late, and frequently work through lunch. And, to my husband's chagrin, pieces of paper must be perfectly aligned before I staple them, and the staple must be at an exact angle. That's what I do and I can't imagine doing it any other way. In the interest of candor, I'll admit that I'm glad that I am that way. When I get an A, I know I earned it. Good review at work – yes, I know I did a good job because I worked my butt off on it. This, I believe, is a fabulous way to approach my professional life, school, work, fitness, etc. Always go one step above.
However, this overachiever-ness can be a huge obstacle to achieving the fabulously fulfilling life God has in store for me. This constant need to earn everything just plan ole' doesn't work when it comes to God. His love is a gift. It cannot be earned. Period. It was when I came to that realization that I began a rapid ascent into the best time of my life thus far. As a christian, I know that Jesus died on the cross for my sins. I know that he overcame death so that I can have eternal life. That God sent him to do all of this because he loves me so incredibly much. I heard all of this every day for 11 years. The pivotal step was when I truly accepted that God sent his son for me, personally. Little ole' me with all of my imperfections. That he would have done so if I were the only person on earth. And that he did it with me in mind long before I was even a twinkle in my daddy's eye. Which meeeeeans … nothing, absolutely nothing I could possibly do could ever make me deserving. Ace an exam, and I feel great about that because I know I deserve it. But this whole "gift" thing is hard for me to comprehend.
While I'm getting better, I was (and sometimes still am) stuck in a viciously unproductive cycle for a long time: I don't deserve anything from God because I'm so incredibly imperfect. So I won't ask him. I'll do something really great and selfless and then I'll ask him, because then I'll be worth it. I bow my head at night … and I draw a blank. I can't ask him for anything! I don't even deserve what I already have, much less any more. Pray for family, pray for friends, thank him for everything I already have. Amen. Then wake up the next morning and try again to come up with some reason why I deserve anything.
When I look at all that now, on paper, I see how truly silly it is. More than silly; illogical. In one breath I admit that God's love and amazing grace cannot be earned, yet I rack my brains trying to find a way to deserve it?? That kind of logic would never stand up in court, so why would I allow that to jive in my personal life. I won't. Not anymore.
God's grace, his love, all the blessings he has in store for my life, are gifts. I can't earn them nor will I ever deserve them. No matter how hard I want to; regardless of my inner overachiever's need to earn every inch. Accepting the truth that he gives me all these things freely is overwhelmingly empowering. It allows me to come before him and just ask, knowing I don't deserve it. Also knowing that he might just give it to me anyway.
Coming up: "Ask and you will receive." Fact or fiction? And, the amazing surprise of getting more than I ever thought of asking for.
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